I will never love again. I’m closing my doors for love life but I’m opening it to welcome friends, since having friends is what I really needed at the moment. I’m in pain for the past days - almost a week. It’s hell not good.

Living my life without him is never the same. It’s a lot more miserable. Waiting for his texts, waiting for him to come back, wondering if he’s fine, what is he doing, is he in pain too or he’s happy not having me. A week passed that my cellphone has no messages but the old ones. Text messages that is full of hatred and confusion. I can have lots of textmates for me to kill my loneliness for a bit, but I chose to wait for his messages with no other textmates. I don’t want anybody - I want him! I love him.

We parted ways not because we don’t love each other. It’s because I hurt him, and that feeling of pain keeps butting in to his life and most likely, affected our relationship. He started to get cold to me. I’m so sorry that I hurt him. I want to tell him how sorry I am but he’s just so close-minded that he wants me to give him a time - a space. For me, giving him space is like prolonging the agony. Agony of not doing something to make it up with him, to mend the pain his feeling, for me to be given a second chance to do better.

I know I’m not a good girlfriend. I can honestly say that I’m not an ideal one. I’ve got lots of flaws and it’s hard for me to change those. Though I tried, but it’s too late. I’m so difficult to be loved and I can deeply understand if he doesn’t wanted to stay. Because if I’ll be in his shoes, I would also definitely do the same.

He’s way older than me and I think my immaturity makes our relationship even worst. All the time, we had lots of arguments to deal with and it made him tired. He grew tired of it — he grew tired of me.

I don’t blame him for this, it’s just.. it really is difficult for me to accept things like this. Acceptance is not an easy task. I cried hard. Before, I only cry during night - but now, I cry in the morning, afternoon and evening. My eyes are swollen that a sty (kuliti) even grew in my eyes. With that, crying has been more painful for me because of it. I kept myself busy and every time I have this vacancy of mine, I’m starting to get lonely again and it’s killing me bit by bit.

I don’t want to lose him. I really don’t. If there are times I spoke something about letting him go — it’s really a no-no for me. I don’t mean it. I really don’t. It’s just my moodiness affects me that much that I make quick decisions if my feelings are high and that leads me to say nonsense stuffs that hurts him so bad.

This December, I’ll try to live forward. If ever this has been the end for us, maybe better things may happen. I may not experience those “better things” - but surely, I know it will happen to him. He deserves to be happy and I think living without me is his way of being happy. Because through that, there will be “no me” to hurt him again, “no me” to start petty arguments, “no me” that makes my own way for the both of us.. and “no me” to demand time.

I miss him so much.
I love him so much.

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